Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

It's funny that this is one of the things on this list because I have been thinking about this a lot lately. A lot of people might not know this but I got pregnant with my son Kaleb right before the start of my senior year of high school. I found out I was pregnant with him a few days before my 17th birthday. It was the scariest time of my life. I didn't think I was ready to be a mom but knew I had to become ready, and fast. After the initial shock wore off and I told my parents and realized they still loved me I instantly fell in love with my unborn baby. I started to live every day for him and to make all the right decisions for him. At the time I felt a right decision would be to marry his dad Evan. We were married very quickly. Right from the beginning  I knew it wasn't right and wouldn't last but I stuck it out as long as I could for Kaleb. This is one thing I need to forgive myself for. I still to this day will feel shame for getting pregnant so young. It's a lot of mixed emotions I love my son so much and would never trade him for anything in the world I just hate the judgmental looks I get when people find out how young I was.
The other big thing I need to forgive myself for is I never finished high school. I made a lot of bad decisions my junior year and fell behind in credits. Then when I was pregnant and married it was too hard to go to school with all the morning sickness, depression, and a husband who wasn't supportive of it at all. I decided I would wait until he was born and finish then at ALLC. By the time he was born I still didn't have the support to do it. I felt keeping my marriage together was more important than finishing high school. Every day was a challenge. I still had friends that went to P.G. High School and I knew when the prom, graduation, etc was. I cried when I knew they were doing these things I had always looked forward to. The only thing that made me feel good during this time was looking at Kaleb. I knew that somehow it would all work out and I was doing the best thing by taking care of my son and being there for him.
In December of 2008 I got my GED at UVU. Part of me was proud of myself that I did it. I passed the test first try and didn't even study. The other part of me felt like "If you could do this with two kids you could have graduated high school with one." So pretty much I just need to accept the fact that all this happened for a reason and that even though I got pregnant as a teenager and didn't finish high school I still have my GED and I am as good of a mom as someone who had their kids later in life.

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

I think the thing I love most about myself is I am a very caring person. I will do anything for anyone at anytime. I always worry about hurting peoples feelings. I always try to make everyone happy even if that means putting myself last or hurting myself in the end. I find happiness in making other people happy. I love to help out and always feel so accomplished when I know I have made someone happy or helped them even if it's just the littlest thing. Sometimes I am not very good about doing all this but hopefully people will be able to see this about me.

Day 1: Something you dislike about yourself.

This is such an easy one for me, I have been thinking about this for a while now. I think everyone has more than one thing they don't like about themselves. People are so hard on them selves, we are our own worst critics right?
The main thing I dislike about my self is I care way too much about what other people think. I am always so worried about this. When I go shopping I'll find a cute purse or something like that, that I like but won't get because I'll worry that people will think I'm weird or a nerd for having it. This has been something I really have always know I do and has always bothered me but once I got with Blade and saw that he noticed it and it bothered him I have been trying to be better about it and not care anymore. I wish I only worried about what he thought and I thought about things.
I think this all goes along with my second biggest thing... my self confidence. I am so hard on myself. I never think I am good enough in any aspect of my life. I doubt my self all the time as a wife, mother, employee, daughter, sister, friend etc. I haven't always been this way I really remember noticing it when I hit Jr. Hight. It got worse when I was about 15 or 16 and I got acne really bad. I never went and hung out with my friends or anything all I did was school and home. Once that got cleared up my confidence somewhat went up but I still doubted my self all the time. Probably the thing that hurt it the worst was when I was married to my ex husband (Evan). I truly hated myself during that time. When you are told over and over what a horrible person you are you start to believe it. Ever since my divorce I have been gaining back this confidence. Blade and my mom have been my biggest supporters. Without them I wouldn't be able to work through these things. I hope that pretty soon when asked this question I will be able to leave it blank.

30 days of Truths.... Lets see how this goes!

I've seen a few people do this so I googled the list and thought why not give it a try, then I thought what if people get offended by what I say or think about something. Finally I decided to do this because this is my blog it's my thoughts my opinions and if people don't like what they read they don't need to read it.


Day 1: Something you dislike about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like {poo}.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

First Family Vacation!

I have been waiting for this to happen for so long I was so excited when we got our tax return and were able to book a hotel and go on a family vacation. This is the first vacation the kids have gone on. I've taken them camping and stuff like that before but they have never been more than an hour or two away from home or stayed at a hotel. I really wanted to do Disneyland or a cruise but looking at the prices I figured it would be better to do when they are older and will remember it. Plus with stuff like that we will get a military discount when Blade is back in the Air Force. 

We decided that St. George would be a good place to go. I didn't want to wait until summer to go because I don't know where we will be living then. I looked at the calender and realized that March 25th (the day Blade and I got engaged)was a Friday so it hit me lets go then. Blade of course loved the idea. I think it was so special that a year after we started to officially become a family we went on our first family vacation.

The kids were so excited it was all they talked about and couldn't wait for the day to come. They did so good on the drive I prepared myself to hear "Are we there yet?" "Why is it taking so long?" (they do this when going to the bank or grocery store) I explained to them that it would be a long drive so I guess they understood that. They had no idea what to expect with the hotel. Kaleb thought it would be like a house. He was so shocked to see the beds and everything in one room. When we arrived at the hotel the first thing they did was jump on the beds and jump back and forth. The weather wasn't the best. It was cold and raining. We were all tired from being in the car and hungary so we took the kids to eat at Mcdonalds so they could get some energy out at the play place. After that we went back to the hotel and all sat in the hot tub. I didn't let the kids stay in very long just long enough they could feel how warm it was and really loved it.

That night they went to sleep so good. I had to tell them a few times to lay down and be quite but for their fist times sleeping in a hotel they did awesome!

The next day was still cold and raining so we did indoor stuff. We checked out the mall, I got blonde highlights in my hair, and we went to an indoor swimming pool. Sunday is when we had to leave and when the weather was the best. We had told the kids about the read rocks and we all wanted to go hike and climb on the rocks so we checked out of our hotel and went there for an hour. Kaleb usually acts afraid of heights but he was so brave and daring he loved every minute of it. Raelyn didn't mind the heights but didn't like the climb or hike part she got scared pretty easily. 

All in all it was a great weekend it was so nice to spend the whole weekend just the four of us, just doing whatever we wanted to do! It was a great bonding experience for our family and we will for sure be doing it again and again!

His pants are a little big and started to fall off!

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Kaleb is such a bed hog we had to keep moving him from rolling on top of Raelyn 

Blonde highlights and Starbucks 

Such a good daddy!

He looks like he is up higher than he really is

One of my favorite photos! 

Working mom VS. Stay at home mom

 Lately I have been having this battle in my head, the battle between being a working mom or a stay at home mom. Right now I have no choice but to be a working mom due to Blade being laid off and even when he does go back to work I will still need to work to make ends meet and to make it so we wont struggle and can still do fun things. I love working and I love knowing that I am helping my family financially and taking some of the pressure off of Blade. A little while before we got married I quit my job and was a stay at home mom. I loved it. I was so busy with the wedding plans that I still felt like I had a job but I was with the kids all the time. After the wedding I felt like I didn't contribute enough to our family. Blade and I would stress a lot about money and sometimes just barely make it. I decided to go back to work and it really helped but every day that I am at work I feel so torn, one part of me wants to stay at work for a full 8 hours to make enough money the other part wants me to be home with the kids. I feel like I don't get as much time with them as I would like since they have to go to their dads every other weekend. I always try to remind myself that it's not the quantity of time I spend with them but the quality.
Not only have I had this on my mind but also when Blade goes back to work, which will be sometime within the next month or so, we will have to put the kids in daycare. They used to go to my mom's house while I was at work but in October she had back surgery and the doctor said she wouldn't be able to babysit for a year after. I have always had fears about putting them in daycare but I feel more comfortable now that they are old enough to tell me what is going on and if something isn't right. I know they will like daycare and playing with other kids. I just have no idea how to find a good daycare or how much it will cost. Kaleb goes to preschool on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursdays. I love his preschool and so does he. He is used to his friends and teachers so I want to keep him in the same preschool, to do this I will have to work Friday thru Monday and put them in daycare on Monday and Fridays. There is another thing I just don't know what the right thing to do is. If I work Monday thru Friday I will have to find a daycare/preschool and hope Kaleb likes it just as much. If I work the other schedule Blade and I wont be seeing very much of each other.
So that is my little vent and battle I have been going through. I know I will be able to find something that will work for all of us. I feel that as a mom no matter what you do there will always be some sort of guilt.

All about Blade!

Today I decided to blog about Blade. I looked through my pictures and videos and realized I married a very interesting man. I've always know how handsome, strong, brave, protective, and smart he is, but until last night I didn't fully realize how silly he really is. I love the fact that he is so silly. He can always make me smile and laugh even on my worst day! Blade truly is my soulmate and I know we can make it through anything. We have only been together for a year and 5 months  but in that time we have made it through some very hard times and of course I wont lie we have had some bad fights but we have been working very hard on all our problems and have learned to handle things and each other. I think it is a normal part of being newlyweds to have fights and have the adjustment period of learning to live together and handle everything as a team. Anyways now for the fun part I am going to share all the photos and video I have of him that I think are hilarious!

This is the Christmas ninja, I have never heard of such a thing!

He even "attacked" the kids.. he is so great with them they love him as much as I do!

So sexy right?!

I love this it is so funny!

This is Blade trying to dye his hair and beard one night when I was dying my hair

                                             This video was taken in February not December lol!

So that is all the funny things about him. I think the best part about Blade is the love he has for me and the kids. Right from the start he has always been so good to me and always been there for me. I was very nervous to introduce him to the kids. I promised myself that if my kids didn't like someone I wouldn't date them and same goes for if someone didn't like or get along with the kids. From the second they all met they have been the best of friends he stared playing with them and making them laugh right away. Even before we got engaged he had already taken on the father role for them. This means so much to me. Technically they do have a father but he has been anything but that. Blade has taught me what love is between a husband and wife and has taught my kids what a man and father should be. If Kaleb grows up to be even as half as great as Blade I will be so proud.

He was so excited and proud to put the kids toys together on Christmas.

Kaleb and Blade having boy time playing Call Of Duty together.

He is such a proud father!

Catching up!

Wow it has been a long time since I last blogged. We have been very busy with a lot of things but I am going to try to get back into the habit of blogging. Since it's been so long since I blogged I better catch up on everything that has happened.
First Christmas, It was one of the best Christmas's I've ever had. First we had a Christmas party at my Aunt Kay's house, this has been a tradition in my family before I was even born.

We had a special visitor!

Then on Christmas Eve We had two Christmas dinners to go to one at my moms house and one at Blade's Grandma's house. It was so nice to spend the whole day with Blade, Kaleb, Raelyn, and all of our family!

The kids sang a song it was so cute!

Christmas morning was the best! My parents, my brother Kyle, Blade's parents and brother Dylan all came over to watch the kids open their presents. They all got here before the kids woke up. I think all the adults were more excited. As soon as the kids woke up they were very excited to see that Santa had come. They couldn't wait to play with what he brought and open all the other gifts. The best part of the whole day was seeing how happy the kids were, they didn't just get excited about what they got but also what Blade and I got. I love how sweet and caring my kids are!

Our matching monkey Pajamas!

Next was New Years, It was a simple but nice New Years for us, The kids were gone to their dad's house so Blade and I went out to dinner, we then spent the rest of the night at home with Andy and Basia. 

Awesome hats huh?!

We made sure we got enough hats for all of us!

At the end of January we decided that we should put our house up for sale so that when Blade gets back into the Air Force we will have one less thing to worry about. It still hasn't sold and has had it's ups and downs. We will have people come and look at it and seem very interested and say they will look for financing but then never hear back. I know the economy is bad, but I still hope it happens soon!

Next on February 7th Kaleb turned 5! I can't believer it has already been 5 years since I've had him. Time has flown by for me. It was a very exciting but also sad time. 5 just sounds so old to me. He is a big boy now! For his party we decided to do a pirate theme party. I decided I was going to be brave and try to make him a homemade cake this year, I was very nervous and stressed about it for weeks. In the end the cake turned out great and I was very excited I did it, I can't wait to to Raelyn's now it definitely will become a tradition for me to make their birthday cakes! We had a really good turn out for his party especially with how bad the weather was.

The cake! I am very proud of it especially since it's the first one I've ever done like that

Cutest pirate I've ever seen!

Kaleb says he didn't turn 5 until he blew out his candles so this is the moment he turned 5 lol!

Playing Pirate game

This is her pirate face, pretty scary right?!

The pinata was a big hit but very hard to break.

She has a good swing for how little she is!

Raelyn made sure her baby Brock (named after her cousin) did everything her and the other kids did!