Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Wow this is a really hard thing for me to talk about. I have stayed pretty quite about this part of my life. I haven't blogged for a while and one reason is I have been avoiding this one. I was sitting here today thinking about how I haven't blogged in a while and I realized I really need to do this one. The more I keep this inside and let it get to me the more I let this person win. I shouldn't feel shame, I know it wasn't my fault what happened but this subject isn't talked about very often, or at least as far as I know. Maybe by me blogging about this it may help someone else, maybe even myself.
I have always been a pretty forgiving person, sometimes it takes me a while to forgive stuff but usually in the end I end up forgiving. There is only one thing in my life at this point that I haven't forgave someone for, I'm pretty sure I will never be able to, I'm not strong enough of a person for that. When I was 6 years old I was rapped. It has forever changed me and my life. I wish I could say I was still the same person I used to be but I'm not. I live in a lot of fear. Especially of men. No one in the entire would should ever have to go through  that. It stays with you for your entire life and affects you at times you never think that it would.
I've been through counseling for this, that helped a lot, but probably the biggest thing that helped me and still to this day I remind myself of is my mom telling me that if I let him get to me and still cause me fear etc that he is winning and I will become a victim of it and not a survivor. I never want to be a victim of anything I always want to look at myself as a survivor. This is one of the worst things that could ever happen to someone but somehow it has made me a stronger person. I truly believe that God will only give you as much as you can handle.
The guy that did this was sent to jail, and has sense been released. Sometime I feel like I should realize that he was sick and that is why he did what he did to me and other little girls, but even all these years later I can't find the strength to forgive him. He ruined my childhood. I will never have those times back, I will forever be changed.