Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

• Brad Paisley: "Then"
• Papa Roach: "Forever"
• The Beatles: "Something"
• Big and Rich: "Lost in this moment with you"
• Lady Antebellum: "I run to you"
• Lady Antebellum: "Need you now"
• Pearl Jam: "Love reign over me"
• Shania Twain: "From this moment"
• Tim Mcgraw: "She's my kind of rain"
• Tim Mcgraw: "It's your love"
• Boys like girls: "Two is better than one"

I made this playlist for Blade and It isn't a new playlist this is the playlist we made for our wedding. Most of the songs have special meaning in our relationship or have special moments. Brad Paisley "Then" was our first song. I told Blade one night when we were driving that I had a song I loved that made me think of him and I played that for him and from then on it's been very special. Papa Roach "Forever"  always makes me think of one time when Blade sang it to me in the car but he only sang the part "My feelings for you are forever". Anytime I hear Lady Antebellum or Tim Mcgraw I think of Blade because he took me to their concert last year for my Birthday.  The rest of the songs are love songs that we love and of course a love song makes me think of my love!

Us at the Lady Antebellum/ Tim Mcgraw Concert

Getting back on track.

It's been 2 weeks now since I had the miscarriage and it's time to get my life back on track. Before I got pregnant I was doing really good at working out almost everyday. I even lost about 5 pounds. Once I found out I was pregnant I didn't work out as hard or as often. Yesterday was the first time I worked out in 2 weeks. It felt so good but at the same time I struggled more than I had before. I know I will get back to where I was pretty quickly but still frustrating. I have made some goals for all the things I need to do in life. One of them is to workout 5-6 days a week. I plan on doing Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred one day, and Zumba Fitness for Wii on the other days. I hope to lose 5 to 10 pounds before we try for another baby.

That brings me to my next change. I need to start taking my prenatal vitamins again. We aren't going to try for another baby for at least 3 months but it is still good for me to take them and have them in my system for if or when I do get pregnant. I was taking them for about a month before I got pregnant and took them everyday when I was pregnant. After the miscarriage I just couldn't stand the thought of even looking at them.

It is also time I start doing more things for me, I am going to make sure at least one night a week I scrapbook, or read a book, or go tanning. I want to make sure I do something that is just for me. I sometimes feel that between Blade, the kids, work, and depression, I have lost myself. I am going to try to start saving up some money to buy a sewing machine. I would really like to learn how to sew and make homemade stuff!

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 22: I've defiantly made mistakes in my life, but I also know that anything I have done, good or bad, has made me who I am today. When I think back to the time that I probably made the biggest mistakes it would be when I was 16-17 years old. I was skipping school, hanging out with the wrong people, smoking pot, drinking, lying to my parents etc. I wish I wouldn't have done these things but I know that it made me stronger and who I am today. I think almost everyone goes through a wild streak. I am very happy that it didn't last too long and I had such great parents that I could go to them and tell them what had been going on. I got grounded and my car and cell phone taken away but I also had the support I needed to stop doing those things.

Day 23: I have talked about this a couple times before but I wish I would have graduated high school and then gone on to college to become a nurse. My whole life I had a plan. My plan was to graduate high school, go to the University of Utah and graduate as an RN (registered nurse). I then planned that I would work at the University of Utah Hospital then get married and a few years later have kids. Well I guess I did it all backwards. But the most important thing is that one day I will make it happen, I might not be able to say I graduated but I got my GED and thats pretty good. I have wonderful kids that I wouldn't trade for anything. I couldn't ask for a better husband. I might not be able to go to my dream college but what counts is I will go to college and I will become a nurse.

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

This 30 day challenge has taken me over 2 months to do, thats pretty sad. I am going to make sure I do this at least every other day so I can get done with this.

I have a few people I consider my best friends, Blade, my Mom, and Haley. We will go with Haley on this on this one since she is my best friend that isn't family. If I found out that Haley had been in a car accident I would be so worried. Whatever we had fought about wouldn't matter anymore I would just want to know that she was ok. If she was at the hospital or anything like that I would hurry to get there and be with her hold her hand etc. Friends are going to have fights at times but it happens and you let it go and are there for each other. Haley has always been here for me through the hard times. I have cried on her shoulder so many times. I couldn't ask for a better best friend. What other 22 year old would make me shower and get ready and hang out with her while I was very emotional sad and crying while Blade and the kids were gone?

We laugh together, cry together, we do everything together. Best friends since we were 16 and always will be! I love you Haley!

Kaleb's preschool graduation!

On thursday May 26th Kaleb graduated preschool. This makes me feel so old! It was such a cute graduation! I have loved his school and his teachers. They did such a good job all year with the kids. Kaleb has learned so much in this year. At the graduation the kids sang songs they have learned this year, they got their diplomas and a little graduation dog and then we all had lunch!

The healing process.

Wow what a crazy past few days we have had. I am so glad that I've had a lot of stuff going on with the kids to keep me busy. On saturday we had Kaleb's second t-ball game to go to. The kids had stayed over night with my mom so I didn't see them until then. I could tell they were really worried about me and relaxed when they saw I was doing ok. If it wasn't for his game that day I probably would have just laid in bed and become even more sad. It was really hard to sit at his game and cheer for him, all I could think about was what was going on inside of my body. On sunday I was able to sleep in. I had Blade home to spend the day with and that really helped out a lot.
On monday Blade went to work. All I did yesterday is just what needed to be done for the kids, I didn't shower, I didn't take care of myself. I laid on the couch. I could feel myself become more and more depressed. I know that its ok to be sad and hurt over what happened but I can't let myself become depressed. I still have two kids and a husband who need me to take care of them. I woke up today and it was really hard to get out of bed and get ready for the day but I forced myself to ( I also had to take Kaleb to school). I made myself do my hair and put on makeup. My bleeding had pretty much stopped. This made me so happy. I am so tired of every time I go to the bathroom I have a reminder of what happened and is happening.
I was feeling better about myself and feeling more like me. Then when I got home from taking Kaleb to school I saw that a pregnancy work out dvd had arrived that I ordered right after I found out I was pregnant. I had such  a hard time with this. Then to make matters worse when I went to the bathroom I saw that my bleeding is picking up again. I know it all takes time, but I just want to feel happy again I want to feel like me again, I want to feel whole.
I'm very thankful for all the wonderful and supportive people we have around us. My doctor called me on monday just to see how I was doing and to see if I had any questions, all of our family and friends have said such nice things and been so supportive through this very difficult time. I'm especially thankful for Blade, he has been my rock, he has supported me, held my hand, let me cry on his shoulder, listened to me talk, etc, Thank you Blade for everything I love you and couldn't do this without you.

The worst pain i've ever felt.

My world has been turned upside down. I went from being so happy and so excited to feeling so down and like everything is falling apart. The first thing that happened was we found out the people wanting to buy our house didn't get approved by the park. We have another offer on the house and they are approved by the park we are just waiting to hear if they get approved by the bank.
Then on Friday while I was at work the worst thing happened. I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding. It wasn't a lot and was mostly old blood. I was really freaked out. I hurried and clocked out and went and sat in my car and called Blade and just cried and cried. Blade said he was on his way to come get me, I was to upset to drive. I called the Dr. and they wanted me to come in right away so as soon as Blade picked me up we went right over. My mom met as at the Dr. office to take the kids. When I saw my Dr he said it could be implantation bleeding or a miscarriage.  I was so devastated. I tried to stay positive but I also tried not to get my hopes up. They sent me right over to the hospital for blood work and an ultrasound. I did the blood work first and went to the bathroom and saw the the bleeding was picking up and was all red now. We went and did the ultrasound and they couldn't see anything so they did a vaginal ultrasound and they could see the sack but no baby. I went to the bathroom again and had a big gush of blood. Thats the moment I knew for sure I was having a miscarriage. The Dr. called an hour later and confirmed it. He said my hormone levels were way too low to be 5 weeks pregnant and he was pretty sure it was over.
I spent that whole day in tears. I just don't understand why this had to happen. I have been bleeding a lot since then. I am supposed to do a follow up on monday with blood work to see if my levels went up or down but I really don't think I will. I know in my heart the baby is gone and that the blood work will show the same thing. I never expected this, I had such easy pregnancies with Kaleb and Raelyn I didn't have any problems. I know everything happens for a reason, and I know it is all part of Gods plan. I know with time it will get easier, but right now I am going through a lot of the stages of grieving. I know one day Blade and I will be with our little angel in heaven. R.I.P little angel mommy will always miss you and love you.