Lately I have been having this battle in my head, the battle between being a working mom or a stay at home mom. Right now I have no choice but to be a working mom due to Blade being laid off and even when he does go back to work I will still need to work to make ends meet and to make it so we wont struggle and can still do fun things. I love working and I love knowing that I am helping my family financially and taking some of the pressure off of Blade. A little while before we got married I quit my job and was a stay at home mom. I loved it. I was so busy with the wedding plans that I still felt like I had a job but I was with the kids all the time. After the wedding I felt like I didn't contribute enough to our family. Blade and I would stress a lot about money and sometimes just barely make it. I decided to go back to work and it really helped but every day that I am at work I feel so torn, one part of me wants to stay at work for a full 8 hours to make enough money the other part wants me to be home with the kids. I feel like I don't get as much time with them as I would like since they have to go to their dads every other weekend. I always try to remind myself that it's not the quantity of time I spend with them but the quality.
Not only have I had this on my mind but also when Blade goes back to work, which will be sometime within the next month or so, we will have to put the kids in daycare. They used to go to my mom's house while I was at work but in October she had back surgery and the doctor said she wouldn't be able to babysit for a year after. I have always had fears about putting them in daycare but I feel more comfortable now that they are old enough to tell me what is going on and if something isn't right. I know they will like daycare and playing with other kids. I just have no idea how to find a good daycare or how much it will cost. Kaleb goes to preschool on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursdays. I love his preschool and so does he. He is used to his friends and teachers so I want to keep him in the same preschool, to do this I will have to work Friday thru Monday and put them in daycare on Monday and Fridays. There is another thing I just don't know what the right thing to do is. If I work Monday thru Friday I will have to find a daycare/preschool and hope Kaleb likes it just as much. If I work the other schedule Blade and I wont be seeing very much of each other.
So that is my little vent and battle I have been going through. I know I will be able to find something that will work for all of us. I feel that as a mom no matter what you do there will always be some sort of guilt.
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