Kaleb's preschool graduation!

On thursday May 26th Kaleb graduated preschool. This makes me feel so old! It was such a cute graduation! I have loved his school and his teachers. They did such a good job all year with the kids. Kaleb has learned so much in this year. At the graduation the kids sang songs they have learned this year, they got their diplomas and a little graduation dog and then we all had lunch!

The healing process.

Wow what a crazy past few days we have had. I am so glad that I've had a lot of stuff going on with the kids to keep me busy. On saturday we had Kaleb's second t-ball game to go to. The kids had stayed over night with my mom so I didn't see them until then. I could tell they were really worried about me and relaxed when they saw I was doing ok. If it wasn't for his game that day I probably would have just laid in bed and become even more sad. It was really hard to sit at his game and cheer for him, all I could think about was what was going on inside of my body. On sunday I was able to sleep in. I had Blade home to spend the day with and that really helped out a lot.
On monday Blade went to work. All I did yesterday is just what needed to be done for the kids, I didn't shower, I didn't take care of myself. I laid on the couch. I could feel myself become more and more depressed. I know that its ok to be sad and hurt over what happened but I can't let myself become depressed. I still have two kids and a husband who need me to take care of them. I woke up today and it was really hard to get out of bed and get ready for the day but I forced myself to ( I also had to take Kaleb to school). I made myself do my hair and put on makeup. My bleeding had pretty much stopped. This made me so happy. I am so tired of every time I go to the bathroom I have a reminder of what happened and is happening.
I was feeling better about myself and feeling more like me. Then when I got home from taking Kaleb to school I saw that a pregnancy work out dvd had arrived that I ordered right after I found out I was pregnant. I had such  a hard time with this. Then to make matters worse when I went to the bathroom I saw that my bleeding is picking up again. I know it all takes time, but I just want to feel happy again I want to feel like me again, I want to feel whole.
I'm very thankful for all the wonderful and supportive people we have around us. My doctor called me on monday just to see how I was doing and to see if I had any questions, all of our family and friends have said such nice things and been so supportive through this very difficult time. I'm especially thankful for Blade, he has been my rock, he has supported me, held my hand, let me cry on his shoulder, listened to me talk, etc, Thank you Blade for everything I love you and couldn't do this without you.

The worst pain i've ever felt.

My world has been turned upside down. I went from being so happy and so excited to feeling so down and like everything is falling apart. The first thing that happened was we found out the people wanting to buy our house didn't get approved by the park. We have another offer on the house and they are approved by the park we are just waiting to hear if they get approved by the bank.
Then on Friday while I was at work the worst thing happened. I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding. It wasn't a lot and was mostly old blood. I was really freaked out. I hurried and clocked out and went and sat in my car and called Blade and just cried and cried. Blade said he was on his way to come get me, I was to upset to drive. I called the Dr. and they wanted me to come in right away so as soon as Blade picked me up we went right over. My mom met as at the Dr. office to take the kids. When I saw my Dr he said it could be implantation bleeding or a miscarriage.  I was so devastated. I tried to stay positive but I also tried not to get my hopes up. They sent me right over to the hospital for blood work and an ultrasound. I did the blood work first and went to the bathroom and saw the the bleeding was picking up and was all red now. We went and did the ultrasound and they couldn't see anything so they did a vaginal ultrasound and they could see the sack but no baby. I went to the bathroom again and had a big gush of blood. Thats the moment I knew for sure I was having a miscarriage. The Dr. called an hour later and confirmed it. He said my hormone levels were way too low to be 5 weeks pregnant and he was pretty sure it was over.
I spent that whole day in tears. I just don't understand why this had to happen. I have been bleeding a lot since then. I am supposed to do a follow up on monday with blood work to see if my levels went up or down but I really don't think I will. I know in my heart the baby is gone and that the blood work will show the same thing. I never expected this, I had such easy pregnancies with Kaleb and Raelyn I didn't have any problems. I know everything happens for a reason, and I know it is all part of Gods plan. I know with time it will get easier, but right now I am going through a lot of the stages of grieving. I know one day Blade and I will be with our little angel in heaven. R.I.P little angel mommy will always miss you and love you.

I still miss you.

This is my very beautiful Grandma, Susan Kay Pierce Gates. On May 18 2005 she passed away. It has been six years now and I still miss her very much. It still hurts as much as it did the day she passed, maybe even more. A lot has happened in my life since then. I often wish she could have seen me grow up to become a responsible wife and mother. I wish she could be around my kids and that the kids could know her. My Grandma was on of the most intelligent people I have ever met.  You could talk to her about anything, Life, boys, parents, politics, etc. I was very close to her, before my Mom married my Dad we lived with my Grandma and she would babysit us while my mom worked. I always spent a lot of time with her, sleepovers, shopping, going out to lunch , you name it we did it together. I know she is in a better place and is with a lot of family but I still miss her and still wonder why she had to go when she did. I found out very shortly after her passing that I was expecting Kaleb.  I know she watches over our family from heaven. I hope when she looks at me and my little family that she is proud.

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

My view on drugs is, NO NO NO!  I hate drugs, I hate what they do to people and to the people around them. I have tried drugs a long time ago and it was so stupid and something that I will never do again. I have seen drugs ruin so many peoples lives. It makes me so sad to see how much someone can change when they start doing drugs.
My view on alcohol is that it's ok in moderation. If someone is old enough and responsible enough to have a couple drinks here and there I don't see a problem. Before I was pregnant I would have a few drinks here and there when my kids were gone with their dad or grandparents. I always kept it in moderation and never did anything stupid. I only see a problem with alcohol if it keeps someone away from their families, becomes a daily activity, and of course if it turns into alcoholism. Not everyone who drinks is a bad person or an alcoholic.

First T-ball Game!

First game May 14 2011, Kaleb and Blade getting ready to start the game!

Up to bat! He is a lefty but kept hitting the ball like a righty that game, Blade hopes he will be able to hit both ways.

He made it to first!

Then all the way Home!

Then he played first base, He looks so serious about it!

Next time up to bat he swung himself all the way around!

End of the game he played 3rd and was getting tired and bored.

End of the game high fives, most of the kids were very confused over this!

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Ok here we go again with another controversial topic, again I hope I don't offend anyone and if I do I'm sorry but this is my Blog and my opinion. I think that you don't always necessarily need to have religion in your life. I feel that what is most important is to have God in your life, whatever God or Gods it is that you believe in. I have grown up in a mostly LDS populated area and I was baptized into the church, but as I have grown up and looked closer I don't always agree with what is taught. I seem to agree with pieces of almost every religion and disagree with pieces of every religion. I feel that no one will really know what religion (if only one) is correct until we pass and go to heaven.
As far as politics go I don't really know too much about it. I wouldn't say I am Republican or Democratic. I am just me. I agree with some parties on some things and some parties on other things. I think some people put way too much thought into being one or the other and I really don't think it matters as long as what's best for our country is being done.

Life is changing fast!

Wow this past week has be so crazy for us and so full of changes. I can't believe how much has hit us all at once. I am so thankful it is all positive stuff and is all making our lives better! The first change that happened is that we got an offer on our house! Full Price! In CASH! They are very motivated and love the house and want to move fast on it. The only thing that we are waiting on now is the approval from the manager (since we live in a mobile home park). As soon as we hear they are approved and get the check for the house we will be moving out. I am really hoping to move back to Pleasant Grove. I love it there and miss it a lot.
The next big thing is Blade got a new job! A really great job! He has set hours, set location, benefits, and great pay! It doesn't pay as much as his last job, a couple dollars less, but the location makes up for it. We will be saving a lot in gas money.
The next thing that happened is I found out I am employee of the month for May at my work. It was a total shock for me. I had no idea they would choose me.
Now for the biggest and the best! WE ARE HAVING A BABY! We have been trying for a baby since we got married, but because of the birth control I was on we didn't expect to get pregnant until December. I was supposed to start my period on Mothers Day and as it got closer I kept thinking how cool it would be to find out I was pregnant on Mothers Day. I tried to not think about it as much as I could. Mothers Day came and went with no period. I really didn't feel pregnant and I didn't feel like I was going to start either. I waited until I was two days late to take a test. I took it expecting it to be negative and get the possibility of having a baby out of my mind for the next month. As soon as I took the test  this is what I saw...

Blade, Kaleb, Raelyn, and I are so excited to welcome our little baby Hone in January! My due date is January 15 2012!  It's going to be a long, but very exciting eight months!

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

This is such a controversial subject, this is only my opinion and I understand  that some people agree and some people disagree. My view on gay marriage is what's wrong with it? I am all for gay marriage. If two people love each other and want to be together than they should have that right. Weather they are allowed to legally marry or not they will still have the feelings they do, still love each other, and still be together. I know a lot of people say that if gays are allowed to marry that it will ruin the sanctuary of marriage, I believe it already has. Marriage is what you and your spouse make it. How many people call it quits over the littlest things? How many celebrities have been married more that 5 times? Back in the day two people of different races couldn't get married, now if someone tried to stop that it's being racist. I hope one day I can look back and think how crazy it would be that two people who love each other and want to spend their lives together can't legally be married just because they are a same sex couple.

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I've thought about this post for a while and I really can't think of any book that changed my views on something. I'm sure one has but I just can't remember. So I decided instead to just list some of my favorite books.

• "A Time To Kill"  John Grisham
• "The Da Vinci Code"  Dan Brown
• "The Lost Symbol" Dan Brown
• " My Sisters Keeper" Jodi Picoult
• " The Last Song" Nicholas Sparks
• " The Notebook" Nicholas Sparks
• The Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer
• The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins
• " To Kill A Mocking Bird" Harper Lee

Those are the Main ones that first come to mind, I could go on and on of books that I love. I love to read and I am always looking for a good book to read. I am open for any suggestions on good books!