Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 15:  Someone that I couldn't live without would be Blade. A lot of people might not know but we had a really big fight in February and spent a night a part. It was on of the worst nights in my life. I was so miserable. I just wanted to talk to him so bad. As mad as I was at him and as mad as I knew he was at me, I just wanted to be able to hug him and have him tell me everything would be okay. Obviously we worked everything out and are doing much better now, but I still regret that night and never want to be without him. I am very attached to him and love him so much. He has made my life complete. I love you Blade forever and always!

The silly and crazy man I love! : )

Day 16: Something that I could live without is drama. I hate drama. I know a lot of people that love drama in their life. I can't stand it. I hate hearing about it all the time and hearing the same stories over and over. Sometimes I wish I could tell some people just to grow up and get over it.  In my opinion most people who are full of drama are board of their own lives and feed off of that to make it more interesting. Im sure i've had my moments full of drama but I try to stay away from it and try to let things go.

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.) Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 13: I love music, I am constantly listening to music. I don't think I can pick just one artist or band that has gotten me through tough times so I figured I will just list the songs and artists that have. ( they are in random order I just looked through my I pod)

• Kid Cudi: Pursuit of happiness
• Alanis Morissette: You ought to know
• Rodney Atkins: Watching you
• Justin Timberlake: Losing my way
• Taylor Swift: Your not sorry
• Taylor Swift: Should've said no
• Pink: F-ing perfect
• Pink: So what
• Sugercult: The whole Palm trees and power lines album
• Carrie Underwood: Before he cheats 
• Eminem: Beautiful

I could name a lot more but these are the main ones.

Day 14: I have never had a hero that has let me down. My heros are my Mom and my Grandma. They have always been there for me and always supported me. I hope one day I can be as great of a Mom and wife as they have been.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on. Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

Day 11:  The main thing that is sticking out in my mind is my cooking. Blade compliments me all the time on what I cook. I've never really thought I was that great of a cook but he seems to think so. Sometimes I wonder if he is just being nice or if he really thinks that. My dad and brother have always loved my chicken enchiladas and now the kids love them and beg me to make them all the time.

Day 12:  The main thing I can think of for this would be my hair. I got compliments on it when I got my highlights done but thats about it. I wouldn't ever expect compliments on my hair I really suck at doing hair. I usually have my hair up in a ponytail on the days I work or just don't feel like doing it. When I don't have a pony tail it's usually just straight and down. I'm sure it doesn't help that I go back and forth between long and short hair all the time. I get bored with my hair so easily.

I love the way my hair is done in this picture! Of course I can't take credit for it,  my best friend Haley did it. I tried to do it once and this is what I got:

Not bad I guess for my first time doing it but still not the best, hopefully with practice and maybe the right hair cut ( and keeping it long) I will learn how to style my hair so it looks cute and not so boring!

Happy Easter!

On Saturday Blade and the kids (I had to work) went to the egg hunt at Pioneer park.  They got there about 5 min late due to traffic and finding a place to park and all the eggs were gone. They still got to do a lot of fun things like see the Easter Bunny, play on an inflatable slide, see and pet bunnies, sheep, lamb, and a goat.

When I got off work we colored Easter eggs. We were only going to do eight eggs because we don't really eat too many hard boiled eggs, one of them broke so were colored seven  it seems kind of random but it was still a lot of fun and the kids really loved it!

Sunday morning the kids came in and woke us up at 7:30. We had told them the night before that they needed to wait until we were up to find their baskets and eggs. They woke us up and then went right to the baskets and then very easily found the majority of eggs. We think that they had woke up and scouted it all out before waking us up. They loved their baskets and finding the eggs. They got soccer balls, sidewalk chalk, bubbles, candy,light up cups, and two outfits. We spend most of the day playing outside. We went over to my moms house for a very yummy dinner. I forgot our camera at home so I didn't get any pictures of them playing outside or at  the family dinner. This was such a great Easter for our family. 

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted .Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I decided that sometimes I am going to do two posts in one day for the easy or short answer ones and to help make it go by faster!

Day 9:  I am no good at just picking one person for these things. I think that the people that I never really wanted to let go but aren't really around anymore are my friends from high school. I think we started to drift in 11th grade. Thats the time I started to do stuff that they wouldn't approve of so I didn't really feel worthy to really still hang out with them. Then when I got pregnant with Kaleb I felt like who would want to hang out with the pregnant girl? I had a lot of friends that were truly good girls and what says bad girl more than a pregnant teenager? We still keep in touch here and there but it has never really been the same. I know I have changed a lot since back then and don't live the same lifestyle or values as them but I still call them all my friends.

Day 10: As of right now there is no one in my life that I don't want to have in my life. I truly believe that everything and everyone in your life, good or bad, is there to teach you something. Some people help you through hard times and improve your life, others make you become a stronger person by going through hard times.

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like {poo}.

Wow how do I pick just one, that is so sad to say but when I think of this three main people stand out, so I guess I will blog about all of them otherwise I just wouldn't feel complete.
If you have read my blog before you could probably already guess that the guy who rapped me is on this list. He defiantly made my life hell. Because of him I know sometimes live in fear, I have a hard time trusting men, I have weird fears about night and darkness sometimes. I have a very hard time sleeping away from home. When I was a kid I would get so scared being away from my mom that I would fake being sick to stay home from school and I even stopped dancing for a while. Who's life wouldn't be hell after something like that? I have gotten over most of my fears and do a lot better with things. I think one thing that has helped a lot with it is that I have started to talk more openly about it all and not kept it so bottled up.
The next person that comes to mind is my biological father. I hate to give him the title of father. He has never been there for me. He didn't want me from the time he found out my mom was pregnant with me. Now that I am older I understand that it is better that he was never in my life and I now have a true dad who loves and cares for me. When I was younger it was very hard to understand how I  could have a dad who didn't even want to get to know me. He was always up to date on his child support and that made me feel like all I was, was a check to him.  It was always a difficult thing to deal with. I always dealt with feelings of abandonment.
Last but not least is my ex husband. He made my life hell almost everyday I was with him. From the very start of our relationship we fought non stop. We broke up and got back together more times then I can even count. He put me through hell with his lies, drug use, and verbal abuse. I always had pretty low self esteem and it got even worse after being with him. I was cheated on multiple times by him. I always had the idea in my head that your first love was supposed to be so magical and special. Now I believe your first love is a learning experience.
All of these people have left me with lower self esteem and issues with trust. Sometimes I feel like I need to push people away before I get too close to them. I have let these things come in the way of mine and Blade's relationship a few times but I am now dealing with them better and learning that just because all of these men hurt me it doesn't mean that everyone will. I was nervous to do this 30 day challenge because I know this stuff would come up, but I feel like it really is a healing and growing experience to open up about my past and my feelings.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do. and Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Something I hope I never have to do is outlive my children. I don't think I could ever survive going through something like that.  I know a lot of people that have had miscarriages, still births, and had children die for various reasons. They are all so strong and all made it through it somehow. I am not that strong and could never handle it.

Wow I can't pick just one person who has made my life living for so I will go ahead and name all of them in no particular order.
1. My grandma, she was such a strong woman, she was so wise you could always go to her for advise on anything and she always knew what to do and what to say.
2. My mom, she is a younger version of my grandma. She has seen me through thick and thin and has loved me no matter what choices I have made in my life.
3. My dad, He has shown me what a real man and dad should be and how a daughter should be treated and loved by a man and a father.
4. Kaleb and Raelyn. I learned how to grow up from them, be responsible, an adult etc. They have truly made me a stronger person because I have to be for them.
5. Blade, He has turned my life around in so many ways. He has shown me strength and courage, the love between a husband and wife.
Pretty much I could put my whole family on this list.

Update on the kids:  Raelyns lip is looking a lot better the swelling is gone, she just has a scab on her lip and the rash on her chin is almost gone. Kaleb's finger looks the same but isn't bothering him anymore. He had an upset stomach for most of the day today but is now keeping things down and being more himself! Amazing what a little care and love can do for them!

Not so happy mom...

Kaleb's  finger it has 3 huge blisters on it.

Raelyn's top lip is all cut up and has road rash on her chin

This is how the kids came home from their dads house. I am so not happy. I know accidents happen and they do get hurt sometimes with me but some things can be prevented. Kaleb got his finger burnt from a bon fire. Who takes kids to a fire and doesn't explain to them to stay away and then keep a close eye on them? When we were camping we had a fire and told them to stay back or they were done. They listened to me and no one got hurt. Raelyn feel on the cement. She told me that feel off of a bench. After her being home for a while we noticed her playing with one of her top teeth so we looked at it really closely and her tooth is loose and the gum is bruised around it. Im no expert but I think she would have had to hit pretty hard for it to be this bad. I feel so bad for both of them I'm sure they both hurt pretty bad. Looks like we may be going to the dentist and doctor tomorrow.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life

I hope that one day I will be able to go to college and become an RN (registered nurse). I have wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember. When I was 16 I took the class and became a CNA (certified nurses assistant) I loved the class and loved working as one. I plan on going to college when Blade gets back into the military.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Wow this is a really hard thing for me to talk about. I have stayed pretty quite about this part of my life. I haven't blogged for a while and one reason is I have been avoiding this one. I was sitting here today thinking about how I haven't blogged in a while and I realized I really need to do this one. The more I keep this inside and let it get to me the more I let this person win. I shouldn't feel shame, I know it wasn't my fault what happened but this subject isn't talked about very often, or at least as far as I know. Maybe by me blogging about this it may help someone else, maybe even myself.
I have always been a pretty forgiving person, sometimes it takes me a while to forgive stuff but usually in the end I end up forgiving. There is only one thing in my life at this point that I haven't forgave someone for, I'm pretty sure I will never be able to, I'm not strong enough of a person for that. When I was 6 years old I was rapped. It has forever changed me and my life. I wish I could say I was still the same person I used to be but I'm not. I live in a lot of fear. Especially of men. No one in the entire would should ever have to go through  that. It stays with you for your entire life and affects you at times you never think that it would.
I've been through counseling for this, that helped a lot, but probably the biggest thing that helped me and still to this day I remind myself of is my mom telling me that if I let him get to me and still cause me fear etc that he is winning and I will become a victim of it and not a survivor. I never want to be a victim of anything I always want to look at myself as a survivor. This is one of the worst things that could ever happen to someone but somehow it has made me a stronger person. I truly believe that God will only give you as much as you can handle.
The guy that did this was sent to jail, and has sense been released. Sometime I feel like I should realize that he was sick and that is why he did what he did to me and other little girls, but even all these years later I can't find the strength to forgive him. He ruined my childhood. I will never have those times back, I will forever be changed.