Wow how do I pick just one, that is so sad to say but when I think of this three main people stand out, so I guess I will blog about all of them otherwise I just wouldn't feel complete.
If you have read my blog before you could probably already guess that the guy who rapped me is on this list. He defiantly made my life hell. Because of him I know sometimes live in fear, I have a hard time trusting men, I have weird fears about night and darkness sometimes. I have a very hard time sleeping away from home. When I was a kid I would get so scared being away from my mom that I would fake being sick to stay home from school and I even stopped dancing for a while. Who's life wouldn't be hell after something like that? I have gotten over most of my fears and do a lot better with things. I think one thing that has helped a lot with it is that I have started to talk more openly about it all and not kept it so bottled up.
The next person that comes to mind is my biological father. I hate to give him the title of father. He has never been there for me. He didn't want me from the time he found out my mom was pregnant with me. Now that I am older I understand that it is better that he was never in my life and I now have a true dad who loves and cares for me. When I was younger it was very hard to understand how I could have a dad who didn't even want to get to know me. He was always up to date on his child support and that made me feel like all I was, was a check to him. It was always a difficult thing to deal with. I always dealt with feelings of abandonment.
Last but not least is my ex husband. He made my life hell almost everyday I was with him. From the very start of our relationship we fought non stop. We broke up and got back together more times then I can even count. He put me through hell with his lies, drug use, and verbal abuse. I always had pretty low self esteem and it got even worse after being with him. I was cheated on multiple times by him. I always had the idea in my head that your first love was supposed to be so magical and special. Now I believe your first love is a learning experience.
All of these people have left me with lower self esteem and issues with trust. Sometimes I feel like I need to push people away before I get too close to them. I have let these things come in the way of mine and Blade's relationship a few times but I am now dealing with them better and learning that just because all of these men hurt me it doesn't mean that everyone will. I was nervous to do this 30 day challenge because I know this stuff would come up, but I feel like it really is a healing and growing experience to open up about my past and my feelings.
No comments:
Post a Comment